Getting into the Antichristmas Spirit

Congratulations, American Church! You are successfully warding off any threat of the incarnation of the Antichrist that Tim Lahaye has taught you to dread! How have you done this? It is quite simple. You have taken the cause upon yourselves, have girded up your loins, and have charged strongly into battle. Many of you were on the front lines this morning, clawing your way through the Black Friday masses, claiming that last bargain for your child. Others of you are bravely preparing your homes by stringing up lighted cables, hanging glass balls, and strategically planting boughs covered with sharp holly leaves. Others of you are preparing spiritually, erecting shrines on your mantles with your household gods arranged under a structure resembling a stable with stockings hanging beneath it to catch the blessings that those gods might bestow.

What is all this preparation for? D-Day: December 25th. The infamous day when your month of preparing the way for your lord, Materialism, reaches is culmination. He will storm the beaches of yours and children’s hearts in form of Guitar Heroes, Barbee Dolls, perfumes, and televisions, and will skillfully obliterate any hint of desire for Jesus Christ and his kingdom. You need not worry about the Antichrist, for you are doing a brilliant job in his stead. But do remember this: The road to Eternal Damnation is paved with Merry American Christmases.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. Children, it is the last hour, and as you have heard that antichrist is coming, so now many antichrists have come (1 John 2:15-18).

In semi-related news: Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede


Categories: Theology

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