It has been almost a year since I began writing at faithforfaith.org, and this post is the 200th in that time that began on October 1, 2008. I have written much in that time and have shared much that has been on my heart, and yet I have not been as transparent as I ought to have been in my writings. The fact is that though I have been saved by grace and have been made holy by Christ, my life is far from a picture of holiness. And while few would likely expect me to use this medium as a display of my shortcomings, I feel that it is my duty to be open about who I am so that, one, I might not boast in the façade of holiness that is erected by my writings, and, two, so that I might be humbled at the revelation of my failures. Therefore, this post is one of my failures and weaknesses, so that in all things I might be reckoned truthful and that Christ alone might receive the glory. Soli Deo gloria.
Confession 1: I am an Prideful Man
Though a casual reading of the Scriptures would reveal that God has accomplished all things so that no man might boast (cf. Rm. 3:27; Eph. 2:8), my heart is often inclined to boasting in myself. In spite of what I know to be true, namely that God ordains and controls all things so that he might get the glory in all things, I have at times fallen and wallowed in my self-centeredness and have boasted in that which I have no right to boast. And though I believe that I have come far in this regard from that time when God first called me to himself, I am often reminded by my own desire to be known and heard that I have far to go in humility. I confess that even at the times when my heart’s desire is to honor Christ, I have slipped into hoarding a slice of that glory for myself, and in that I am ashamed.
Confession 2: I am not a Loving Man
Stemming from my pride is a love of self that trumps my desire and ability to love others as I ought. And though I might quell my conviction in this with what I think is love toward others, I rarely, if ever, love others as I love myself or especially as Christ loved the church. My life thus far has been by and large a quest for myself, and I have often tried to fulfill my quest at the expense of others. Such a quest, in spite of modern philosophies that declare the contrary, is a godless and hateful quest, and I am ashamed at my lack of love especially for those whom Christ died.
Confession 3: I am a Poor Husband
Chief among my failings in love is my failure to love my wife as Christ loved the church. Though I have seen growth in my love for my wife over the short time that we have been married, it is nowhere close to where it needs to be. Far too often I do not encourage her when she needs encouragement, I do not esteem her when she ought to be esteemed, and I degrade her when she ought to be praised. And though we are miles apart from each other in personality, I have used that fact wrongly as justification for my slowness to love rather than an opportunity to love. My wife is a wonderful and loving woman, and I do not deserve the great grace that she has been in my life.
Confession 4: I am a Tempted and Lustful Man
Though God has granted me such a grace in my wife, I have at times spit on that grace by my temptation and failings with regard to the opposite sex. I have, to my shame, more times than I can count looked upon other women with lust, turning my heart away from God and from the woman he has given to me. It is a despicable atrocity, and it is one that sets one’s feet upon the path to destruction. And though I have often found myself delighting in the Lord and repulsed by the notion of lustfulness, I must confess that my soul bears many scars from where that has not been the case.
Confession 5: I am a Failure to My God
The culmination of these things, in addition to countless more, has at times rendered me ineffective to God and his work. And though it can be granted that God has ordained all things, even our failings, for his good purposes, my desire to love myself more than my God has at times set myself volitionally against God. As such, I have not sought to glorify God in all things and have not preached his Gospel with my words and my deeds thus withholding from the world that which is most precious, namely Jesus Christ. I confess these things and pray that by God’s grace I might one day become a humble man, a loving man, a good husband, a content man, and a faithful servant to my God. May it one Day be said to me, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Amen.