I wish that there were some righteous reason as to why I have not posted on Faith for Faith since January 15, but I am afraid there is not. I wish that I could say that I was so engaged with activities of greater significance that I had not found the time to write, but that is simply not true. The reality is that my spiritual life has become so smothered by the minutiae of day-to-day living that I have lost sight of the greater Picture of Christ and his Kingdom. I feel that I have been slowly groping my way through a dense fog of busyness and labor and have slowly realized, like a man in a drunken stupor, that somewhere along the way I dropped my faith and have had difficulty tracing back my steps to where I lost it. I have fallen, much as Christian did in John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, into the Slough of Despond, and in it I have become thoroughly reacquainted with the man who I am capable of being apart from Christ.
And it is not as though in this time I have become slothful and have ceased to work, but quite the contrary, I have been working as hard as I ever have. And that, it seems, has been my problem. I began our present journey with a righteous course–to free ourselves of debt for sake of the Kingdom–and yet have, through my labor, lost the chief goal of righteousness. I have forgotten in practice, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you,” and have adopted a “work now, ask questions later” attitude with regard to achieving that which I believe God has laid on our hearts to accomplish instead of waiting on him to provide as only he can provide. Therefore, since September of last year, I have been practically working seven days a week to fill the gaps in our needs, rather than seeking provision from God so that he, not I, would receive the glory.
And in this time, God has seen it fitting to reveal at least two things to me–one being my self-righteousness, and the second being my lack of faith. And like a loving father, rather than turning his back from me and leaving me to myself, he has let me be unrighteous to destroy my self-righteousness, and he has heaped burden upon burden upon my shoulders so that I would crumble under their weight. And thus, I have again been led back to cross to throw my unrighteousness upon Christ and to give my burdens to him alone who can bear them. And in this way, I have lost all cause for boasting, and Christ has gained all of it.
I shall not trouble you with the details of my Slough, but here I publicly repent from my self-righteousness and futile laboring. Here also I declare my need for Christ alone and that he alone is strong enough and worthy enough to bear my awful load. May God have mercy on me.