If I have ever been on the verge of a faith crisis, I am there now. The Big Move, or as I self-righteously call it, The Journey to Unindebtedness, has taken its toll on me, and I feel that I could snap at any minute. Financially we are a wreck, and the list of expenses that is involved in selling our house and moving to Wendell seems to be mounding exponentially.
And just when things seem that they could not get worse, they do. And it seems to get worse daily. Whether it is the heat pump that needs to be fixed or replaced ($1600-$5000), the new carpet that must be installed ($800), Uncle Sam demanding his due by April 15th ($1100), or the seemingly daily emails that report that our home value estimate has dropped yet again when we were already set to lose money six months ago, etc., etc., the bombardment of negative information has me groping for answers. “Are we not on the path that is honoring to God?” “Will God provide so that we can honor him by honoring our debts?” “Is God really in this at all?” All these questions and more continually pop into my mind and heart, and with each passing day they seem harder and harder to answer.
Up till now, I have answered these questions to myself and to those who care enough to ask by saying that God will glorify himself by making our situation as impossible as possible so that when all things are brought about and reconciled, he alone will receive the glory for it all. And while I continue to entertain such a notion in my mind, my heart has begun to waver. Sure God is God, and the thousands of dollars that we need to shed this awful burden from our backs is nothing to him, yet I cannot see anything on the horizon. Doubt seems to be growing maliciously on me like a cancer, and I am left wondering whether I will be healed or left to die.
If one thing is for certain, I have become praying man as of late. And most of the time, those prayers seem to be pleas of desperation from a man who is grasping onto the last thread of a rope, dangling over a cliff of the Grand Canyon. Will God be my salvation in this time? Will he wait to grab me after that last thread has finally snapped? I do not know, but I know one thing for sure: whatever the outcome, I will never be the same.