Breaking: Rapture Not To Happen on 5/21

Take a deep breath, everyone. Contrary to Harold Camping’s reports, the Rapture and subsequent Judgment will not be happening this Saturday. This news broke when an anonymous tipper pointed authorities to a seemingly obscure passage in the Apostle Peter’s second letter. There the apostle wrote:

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed (2Pet. 3:10).

This passage seems to suggest, contrary to the hoopla surrounding Camping’s prediction, that the Day of the Lord (i.e. Judgment and the End) will come like a “thief in the night.” Through an intensive investigation of the practices of past nocturnal bandits, it has been determined that the typical night thief does not announce his intentions prior to his thievery, neither does he give clues encrypted in apocryphal literature. No, he simply comes unannounced and thus unexpectedly.

Through interviews with some of these thieves, it has come to light that these thieves operate in such a manner so as to take their victims by surprise. They report that by doing so, they are able to plunder more possessions and do so more safely than they would if they were to announce their arrival beforehand.

One rebel thief, known for his unconventional thievery, decided to notify one of his victims prior to his planned invasion by the leaving the victim a voicemail. After his attempt and a bullet wound in his left shoulder, the thief concluded that the traditional element of surprise is not something to be taken for granted.

Taking these facts and coupling them with the analogy from Peter’s letter, we must conclude and report that May 21, 2011—smothered with its coverage by the press, billboards, websites, and stickers on motorvehicles—is not the day of the Rapture and Judgment.

In other news, the weather forecast for Raleigh on Sunday, May 22 is sunny with a high of 88.

Categories: Miscellanies

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